Reliving in the Future
by Oceanwind
Summary: Remus remebers every day just how much they sacrificed. Everyday he wishes he could have done something besides nothing.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.

**Reliving in the Future**

**Chapter 1 Torture**

He felt something he should have never felt for the second time in his life. The thing he felt was Love, something so powerful that it seemed to have its own mind at times. How cruel love could be, he thought bitterly. A creature like him should never be loved. A creature like him should be feared and despised. The first war had nearly destroyed his generation, left it battered and lost, unable to cope with everyday life without questioning every single motive, every single breath. The second war came, and with it he had a fetal error. Remus Lupin got married.

He couldn't tell you he didn't love the girl, he did, but there was a veil that kept him from loving her as fully as a man should love his wife. Part of that veil being that he was not a man, merely a beast hiding in a man's body. The other part, the other part made his stomach clench and his soul stir with longing. He always saw his former love in his dreams. It could be thought that 17 years was a long enough time to forget small details, but it wasn't, especially when her son had the exact same dazzlingly green eyes.

He knew why Snape hated the boy so much. He could hardly blame him. Lily had a lot of admirers in her day; he never wanted to know the real number. Lily Evans had simply been the perfect girl. Those green eyes that she gave to her son where the only reminder of her in this world and it was pure torture. That was why Snape hated the poor boy, simply because his eyes were the awful reminder that she was gone, and that those eyes would never bare any affection for him ever again.

For Remus, his torture was completely different. The eyes bothered him yes, he was always longing for those eyes, but the boy's resemblance to his father could never be ignored. Every time he saw the boy memories welled up, memories of his forever faithful friend James. James, who would accepted him, probably the only human being (besides Dumbledore) to just accept him for who he was and never treat him any differently than that. Even the other two faithful friends he had could have never been as loyal as James. James, who had learned his secret's and refused to be scared away. James who never once doubted him, not even for an instant. And that made Remus's betrayal seem so much worse.

It wasn't the betrayal that Peter had done; he never would have succumbed to that. No, Remus had fallen in love with those green eyes. He tried; he really had, to avoid that situation. Only it couldn't be helped that she was around him constantly, treating him just as fairly as James did. She was the only girl that talked to him his first and second year, and being the brave Gryffindor she was she encouraged people to go to him. She would send a pretty fourth year girl who was struggling with homework to ask him questions, or encourage someone besides James and Sirius to talk to him about Quidditch. Lily was always wonderful to him. She was the first girl to have touched him. It was purely innocent, he continually told himself, but every day he wondered what would have been if he had been selfish for one measly minute.

Lily had always gotten along with him the most out of his friends. They had never once fought, and she didn't see him with the same disdain she had for his friends in earlier years. If James hadn't found him first he was sure she would have done exactly the same thing. It made him feel so guilty that he could have even comprehended her as anything more than just a friend. She and James were bloody made for each other there was no denying it. When the two fought it was hard to pick a side, but in the end it was always James who he comforted… Except one time, one bloody time and it nearly ruined his life.

One time, something close to selfishness overcame him and he went to Lily instead. He had followed her out to the lake. He listened to her rant and rave in a furry of passion. He lied, when she asked him a question. It wasn't exactly a lie, he merely just avoided answering. Those green eyes still seemed to pierce his very soul, searching for an answer.

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_"Potter seems to think we spend too much time together," she was calm. It worried him, only moments ago she had been using her rather large vocabulary to cuss out what seemed to be every single molecule that made up the lake. _

_"Jealous boyfriend syndrome. It happens to the best of us Lily," he could think of no other explanation to give her. In truth Lily and he had never even spent a moment alone together, he should have known she simply said that to see his reaction. He wanted to keep her focused on James, keep her ranting and raving until she was ready to go back inside. He didn't like how quickly she had calmed herself, almost as if she had planned all of this on propose. _

_"I am not his girlfriend!" her rage was nearly gone, and only slight annoyance saturated her tone. She had just needed someone to listen to her. He could tell that even as she said her words in protest they didn't contain that forceful kick that had once been there. He knew she loved James, even if they weren't officially together it was too easy to see. _

_"You're falling in love Lily," he loved saying her name. He didn't think James did it justice by changing it into Lilz, it just seemed wrong to him. She was standing right in front of him now, her eyes gleaming with some unknown intent. God he loved her eyes._

_"Say my name again," there was something wild hidden in her eyes._

_"…Lily?"_

_"What about you Remus?" what could she have possibly meant. What was she getting at? He knew of course he just played dumb and looked at his worn shoes with sudden interest. He liked how she had said his name. It was always Mooney or Moons or some other assortment of his wretched curse. A shiver licked down his spine._

_"I have the capability to love," he said after a moment. He should have kept her focused on her anger at James. Never once had they been left so alone like this, she now could see through any ruse that he might have been able to play off in front of his friends. He tired, he really did, but her hands found their way under his chin and forced him to make eye contact._

_"Say my name," it was clearly a demand._

_"Lily," he answered breathlessly. At once he knew what she was getting at. It was the way that he said her name that she knew how he felt. He said with such tenderness and respect as if he was talking about something holy. She leaned up on her tip toes, her lips a mere centimeter away. _

_"Kiss me," again it was a demand. A demand he didn't want to refuse but had to none the less. He shook his head and took a step back. He wanted to kiss her, but he could never steal from James, not after everything that man had done for him. _

_"Say you don't love me," she said. His face reddened a deep shade, had he been that obvious? He had thought he had been so careful in hiding it away from her. Never once had he looked at her for too long or with too much interest. His careful considerations and actions aside, he had followed her out tonight instead of comforting his best friend. Lily was too smart of a girl not to notice the implied meaning behind that. Besides she had made it clear that she knew just because he said her name with a hint of reverence. Something no one would catch as long as he was careful. He would have to remember to avoid saying her name directly from now on._

_He didn't give her an answer. He removed her hand from under his chin and he swallowed as he saw how close she was. Lily was standing unbearably close now all he had to do was look down and their lips would be touching. He took a sharp step back away from her._

_"James will be waiting," her eyes shone with disappointment and admiration. She stepped forward and for half of a heartbeat he thought she was going to kiss him square on the lips, but her lips grazed his cheek and her hands folded in around him. _

_"I love you Remus, you are the best friend a girl could ask for," and with that firm statement he was forever settled to play the role as her best friend. She knew he would because that's all he had ever been, and all he wanted was to see her happy. He knew she loved him, just from the way his name slipped off of her tongue. _

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He knew that day when she had said that she had meant more than just a friend. Neither one of them could bring themselves to hurt James, or ever come close to such a confession to each other again. She loved James more and he was okay with that. It just hurt to see them both inside of one child, a testament to how strong and pure their love had been.

And late at night while he sat beside his wife he wondered what would have happened that day if he had simply leaned down and kissed her. He wondered if Harry would have looked exactly like him with Lily's eyes instead of James. He wondered if she would have ever been targeted by Voldemort. That thought was the most painful to live with.

He knew Snape felt some agonizing torture in betrayal Lily one final time to the dark side, but Remus was constantly tortured by the thought that she would have never had to gone through it to begin with.

He watched Harry grow strong and hotheaded like his mother, and with the fierce loyalty of his father. They both tied in so nicely and perfectly. He loved the boy, as much as he loved James. He knew that he should have never second guessed her decision. She would have made the sacrifice to have been with James, it wouldn't have mattered if he had offered safety. She made a sacrifice to be his friend, that small mercy that she choice to ignore his love for her and let him continue on just being there living in the moment.

People seem to forget small sacrifices over time. The Potter's sacrifice should never be considered small. Lily's sacrifice for him would surely haunt him the rest of his days, not that he could ever allow himself to forget. He would watch over her son for her and James, reliving in his memories from the past with their future.

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><p>AN: I did hint that Lily felt something too besides friendship I know, but that was the point, it was just hints. I hope everyone caught them. I hope this was enjoyed.


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